in search of lost time

the english translation of the title of a book written in french by marcel proust.
Proust's works were explained by, dare I say it?, a friend.. there.. that's it right there, a friend, called alexander mccall smith. yes the alexander mccall smith, the author, whose words bring me such relief.
How does he do it? I don't know. Maybe it is because there are no cynics in the book. and i cannot tell you what that means to me.
I worry a lot. about everything. about germs, about accidents. i have this great, huge, embarrassingly large fear of death.
I don't know what to do about it. and until then... i read.
coming back to proust, apparently, he is very good with descriptions. I havent read him yet. have you?

scold's bridle

sometimes people hurt others by an unintended or well-planned verbal attack.
I have been the victim of many, mainly because I take everything personally. Thin skin. Everythign gets through and doesn't heal until I cry for a fortnight, buy something expensive and decide to get a dog.

I cannot explain what it is i feel when someone is rude. Why does it hurt? I know it isnt a fair world, then why do i persist in willing it to be so?

I wish I could tell them, the way they tell me, what my current state of mind is, but it never comes out, and if it does, it shouldn't have because I end up sounding infantile and pushy.

But, I have to get this out in a public space, the bathroom is not such a sacred space, since I believe that my neighbours can hear me. Yes, everything. For a year now.

blackberry

i really want to buy one. am thinking by november i should have saved up enough. why do i want a blackberry? i have no clue, must be some crazy new marketing gimmick that has worked on my subconsience coz i am not a brand crazy person at all.
and i must clear once and for all that i do things for me. not for a certain snooty somebodies.
i couldnt give a s***.
so there.

second class gents walla butterfly

as the train, i was in, pulled into the station, there was a butterfly hurrying to keep up. I stepped aside. but it didnt want to get into the first class ladies. it got into the second class gents, where i suppose it did not get a window seat.

Three traffic policemen laughed at my joke!!!

Nice day so far. went on my first assignment for my new job. this was a car rally and it was way behind schedule, my employers are sponsoring it. anyway, so i was skulking around and saw these 3 huge fellows keeping a safe distance between them and the cars... i wanted to 'get a scoop'.
went over and asked them if they thought that the drivers knew the rules... they evaded the question. i liked them very much indeed. and they didnt look at my boobs, which i must say is a First.
Anyway, we chatted and complained in an amiable manner about everybody else. i think that the reason why there are so few honest people around is becuase we dont encourage honesty. everytime i would sit to write an exam there would be those hopefuls who would try to ask me answers and i would refuse. getting out of the class after the exam would be hell, coz they would corner me and make fun of me and make me feel mierable.
what do you get for playing by the rules when no one is looking?
about the joke... it doesnt sound funny when retold unfortunately, its one of those... you had to be there...

water, winter, what

why is it that only the water i drink at home tastes good/????
And even winter is beautiful, when i am at home (alone)?
And what is wrong with me today?

white space

Feels Like a new home, a new room. not dusty and no roaches.
Brilliant!